Wow and thats quite a job, jess has there.
Nice to know that you are doing good.

*hug* :(

oh man you were so upset that you vommitted? i've only ever been so upset that i've felt nauseous a few times in my life.

*hug* *hug* *hug*

in my longhand diary! o.o

I swear i havent dropped off the face of the earth.

(btw how are you?)

Hey I hope you are doing good, hang in there, don't stress so much; always remember that most things have a way of settling back in their own place if you don't give them too much attention.
Take care of you...

Luv Always
Ms 1610

Thank you so much!

-ava

I doubt there is anything that you can do about this problem except for keeping your own money safe and away from her!!!
Be wise with your spendings especially if you two are running the house together, remember to love and respect youself first and make efforts propotionate to the amount of effort from the other end.

Love Always
Ms 1610

I heard recently that most of the thoughts people normally have are negative. That rang true for me, maybe it does for you, too. I don't think we, as humans, could ever achieve 100% positivity. I don't even think that would be natural or desirable. But it wouldn't hurt to make a conscious effort to be more positive.. not just in what we say to other people, but how we think.. about ourselves and others. It could help a lot if we could replace some of those sad thoughts with happier ones.

wow man not cool not cool at all what shes doing
you need to eaither lose her or talk to her

and o rlyy? heh yes i am an extreame person

you just gotta take the problems, write out how you plan to fix them. then follow your plan

fuk the problems in life, we have the emotion of happiness for a reason :)
i understand what its like to just feel like "what the fuk" like all the time

i like your diary, im adding you

Thanks for your sweet comment!

I think a worry list would be a good idea for me, too. I'm curious to find out what your stress management teacher will tell you all to do with the list. Or is that all.. just write them down to get them off your chest? Seems like it would be more helpful to be able to figure out how to handle all those things.

I hope you'll keep taking your medication even though you hate taking it. At least until you've talked to your doctor about it.

It's easy to get into a rut of feeling hopeless, and much harder to remember that life is always changing and situations often improve with time. I'm certainly living proof of that. If you read some of my entries from a couple of years ago you might think I was a completely different person. Anyway, the important thing is not that you're not where you thought you would be by now, but where you take things from this day forward. Regrets are powerful, but they're a waste of energy and need to be set aside if you possible can.

And finally, if she loves you, Jess won't be looking around for someone new. Try not to worry about that so much, because that's the one thing that is very easily turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're obviously a wonderful person and you deserve to be loved.. keep telling yourself that, because it's true!

Hey nice to know that everything is doing good on your end....

Take care always

Luv
Ms 1610

dammmm i feel ur pain on that one...im out of soccer for lik 2 months cause of my knee...so im slowly startin 2 gain weight..my mom keeps tellin me im puttin on some weightt from lac of excersize =/

try bellydancing!! it keeps my stomach in shape and all u have to do is stand in one spot and movee your stomach haha

well goood luck to ya..im sure you will get back to the weight you wanna be sooon!

LOL @ Gan's comment. Yeah i've done that once or twice <.< >.> It was bad.

My meds used to make me tired too. Perhaps you just need to give it some time. Oh and take it before bed too :) that might help.

[MargaretGLT]

I'm glad you're feeling better as of this entry than you were 2 entries ago, and also that you were able to re-evaluate your friend's needs after you thought about it for a while. Sometimes people do need to back away a little, for self protection, I guess. It's best not to take it too personally. Many things that people do and say are so much more about themselves than they are about you.

Thanks for your comment. Yes, I saw some wonderful sights over the weekend. Where did you move to that you can't enjoy those things you love to do anymore?

Hey, she needs space. *shrug* we are all different. Are you feeling any better nicole?

I'm happy to hear that Jess is staying with you. And even more happy to hear that you're getting help for your depression. I'm so happy youre ok. *hug* I worry about you.

[MargaretGLT]

Its nice to know that all is going well for now.
Just wanted to re-iterate one thing dear girl.. Its not like I am asking you to dislike Jess or to end it with her (I don't know her and have nothing against her at all but I know you and care for you and I say things based on what I think is best for you) From her POV its understandable if she feels she isn't strong enough to be with you, and its also absolutely alright for you to need someone and love someone but you know I really liked when you said above
"I CANNOT BE WITHOUT HER. at least not right now" remember the not right now part, staying with her should be a mutual thing and only then it will help you heal in the way you want and if its not as mutual as it should be then remember to do it as a favour on yourself; if you think this way it leads to lesser amount of heartache incase things don't work out the way you want.

Luv Always
Ms 1610

  well my darling that is a loaded question!!!

  I usually read what falls in the face of who I concur with (if that makes any sense???)

  I did enjoy the liberating aspects of Henry Miller back in my 2nd or third adolescence

 (I must be on my 14th by now!!!!)

 just focus on your health and strength and all else will follow!!!

Its unfortunate that Jess has decided to leave you and I understand your pain.
But I guess its best for you..cause remember "A friend in NEED is a friend INDEED", if she can't stick by you in your times of need then you are better off without her because if you continue with your need for love from someone like this you are going to get hurt furthermore, it looks like unfortunately she does not have the capability of understanding anyone other than herself.
I hope you are continuing with your sessions and started your medication.

Good Luck and Love
Ms 1610

P.S - No Ms 1610 is not my real name but thats my screen name and thats how my friends refer to me :)

=( I'm so sorry to hear that Jess is leaving.

Are you getting help for the depression?

You wont die alone Nicole...you have family that loves you. And I care...*hug*

Thank you for your comments. I've lost touch with your diary but I can see that things haven't been going well for you. I hope they will improve. You really can have no idea how much your life affects others. But I can see where this thought isn't always enough to help you through a crisis. All I can say is that I've been where you have been recently and things have gotten much better since then. There is hope. Try to keep in mind that this too, shall pass.

It's good that your friend called you and got you to go to a crisis intervention center. I hope the lithium will help correct your chemical imbalance. I have the same problem, although my battle with depression is situational as well as chemical. I've been taking an over-the-counter supplement for the past year and a half that helps me, but when I'm alone too long, the chemicals can't combat the sadness that loneliness brings. But yes, the good times do outweight the bad times for me these days. I hope you will find an equilibrium again soon.

I'll be online tonight on MSN. Please come on and let me know youre alright =(

[MargaretGLT]

your life is precious and you must determine to others that your heart is inviolable.

Suicide thoughts are part of the human condition

 Please don't waste the awesome amount of value you have yet to give,

 so many will benefit and this will imbue you with a worthiness you too, can believe.

 Keep going and never be defeated!!!

Report the jack off on my leg guy or the other creepy? the jack off happened too long ago for me to report I'm sure...and he hasnt done anything that I could use to get rid of him yet...maybe banging on my door drunk at 2 in the morning but I dont know if that would work...and as far as the other creepy guy, I dont think I would have enough to get rid of him either...

:(

I know exactly how you feel. Not just because of Matt, not because of susan... or anyone else. I've always felt like I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't want to be here eaither. How come you got off your meds? If they help, you're doing better than I.

thanks for trying to make me feel better even when everything in your life is screwed up also. lol

yes...you can only live for yourself and only then can you give something real to another.

I go through hard intervals but always notice(by experience) that light returns.

 Keep working on core aspects of strength and evolution in your life.

 We are conditioned with hype instead of happiness, perhaps you need to lower your

 expectations and simplify???(I mean to say this generally as I believe each of us

 could benefit from applying this principle) I hope and pray you become happier soon!!!

 Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo!!!

Definatily your past few entries seem more depressed and stressed out lately, I think it would be a sensible decision to startup on your meds again.
Good Luck to you dear girl and take care of yourself.

Luv Always
Ms 1610

you should live for yourself nicole.

*hug*

Stay Strong

Yeah, well thats mad cool.

Shows are like awesome ha

btw im emily

xxx

could go either way...just chill but if she does it again shes obv. hiding something.

xxx

I'm just concerned about you is all.

Hey Nicole,

   I really really really really really really really really really (did i say REALLY) hope that your court case went well and have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers in your absence.

 I added you to another diary i've created months back. I dont really want any comments on this diary as its sort of personal, but you can read it. Thought you would be interested.

                                            Your Friend,

                                                        Kate

 how are you doing? I hope you are feeling better day by day.

Hey I hope you are doing fine and this is just one of those days where you are venting out.

I won't say you are selfish for feeling that this world is not really worth the effort, we all occassionally feel that way but may I ask what exactly makes you feel like this place is not worth living anymore? Probably a good way of pinning down your issues would be questioning yourself more often.

Try reading a few instances off this page - http://www.near-death.com/suicide.html whenever I felt like this life not being worthy, reading instances off here helped me.

I don't know much about what troubles you or if I can help you but I'd just like to tell you that me and a lot of others do care for you and wish good for you.
So girl if you feel like talking just let me know and we can exchange emails and just talk.

Take care

Luv Always
Ms 1610

What made my depression recede was reaching out to other people. Its what females do in response to stress apparently, tend and befriend. When we are stressed, one of the ways we overcome it is by developing our social networks. It somehow spreads out  our emotional upheaval. Dont ask me how. But i found it to be true.

By reaching out i mean that i feel you should talk to people about how you feel, and or just be more social in general, form new friendships.

The meds helped me too and writing in my diary.

What do you think would make you happy Nicole?

[MargaretGLT]

 anyhooooo I meant Myoho!!!!

   hey I understand how some moments are alienating as hell...

   I also know what it is to want to stop the wearying treadmill of negative causes but

  most of what is good and bad is within your life and being consistent is how you put these

 into action in life minute by minute from heaven to Buddhahood.

 If you are coming to this city this weekend I am giving FREE pedicab rides somewhere

 in Chelsea, Manhattan as part of the New Yorker Festival.

  I am always receptive to meeting a kindred heart and soul such as you possess.

  Chant  Nam Myohoo Renge Kyo to lift your spirits, it certainly won't hurt!!!

  I pray you feel better as what you are experiencing has the power to transform another's

 pain through your inevitable transcendence(I have faith you'll come through)

  Don't worry!!!

 (if you are coming to the city I will tell you exactly where we'll be and/or I can email you

  my cell...after all...ain't each of us here on earth to collude and commingle???)

*hug*

is there anything in particular that is getting to you?

Hey dear girl, I hope you are doing alright. I know waiting is really pathetic, coz I've been waiting for almost a year now before I can start a new life in a new country but the only thing I can say to make you feel better is; look at it as gathering your final memories in this place; I'm sure once you have been in the new place for some time you will think of your time here and that is when this period of time that you can't tolerate here will make it look worthy. Don't give in to anxiety, you know you tend to do that, so beat it by being comfortable in now.

As for the end of the world...lol.. that perhaps is again linked to the anxiety, I guess what will work best for you in most situations is the "wait and watch" principle. It works for me more often than not. It helps me to stop thinking much and be comfortable with now, enjoying the NOW.

Anyways, good luck to you.

Luv Always
Ms 1610

You'll go home soon.

When is the court date and where?

*hug* we all make mistakes and remember the Y2K bug? they thought the word was going to end then...but it didnt and then i know a few months ago was supposed to be the end of the world according to Nostradamus, but that was proven wrong.

You look fine :)

Oh and i do have msn

 nicole is in love, nicole is in love

i'm so happy to hear that youre happy about your engagement

 I read about your mishap in the LIquor Store and I want you to know that it was simply human and

 I have done the same sort of thing too many times to account for!

 It is better when we can control our anger as it saves us being angry with ourselves for

 allowing others to lower our standard and/or life condition. I will send you some prayers that

 you expedite whatever process they put you through(or not, hopefully!!!)

Oh, wow. I didnt know you had that in you either!! I hope the charges get dropped!!!

btw my AIM is Kateydid13 if you want to talk ever.

[MargaretGLT]

Do you think you might be depressed???

Congrats on your engagement and thanks for your affirmations, positivity is a strong attribute you

 possess and will ensure you make your way toward a life of happiness(and never spend too long,

 depressed!!!) so many vascilations have I had lately...like a emotive roller coaster!!!

 I want me a towel closet in the warmest downy corner, stitched initials, his and his, her and hers,

 whatever----

         long as we all can be together!!!!

Do you not feel comfortable with showing people who you really are? Are you afraid people wont accept the real you?

I am a dedicated Christian and my Andrew is a Buddhist. For this reason why we both did not get married at the church. We married at the court; the usual signing up marriage on papers and then party later! he, he, he .... I hope you do feel better soon because you sounded kind of really irritated lately.

So, I am off now and hope to see more of you soon! And Happy Weekend!

you know what? I was feeling very sad today and I wrote about how frustrated, sad and hopeless i felt. Just wrote a lot longhand in my diary. Wrote and wrote until....suddenly i had nothing else to write about. and then i began to write about where I was sitting (which was by a window) and what was happening outside the window, and the last line to the entry was " i think i should go do homework now."

My point is that ...me writing diary entries when i'm upset is very therapeutic for me. It helps me consolidate my thoughts and release my feelings. Its a tool i've used in very rough times during my life. I just sit down, write and write until my feelings have been released. I'm very nonjudgemental towards myself on it.

I began to do it on my diary here on the site but I didnt like how other people judged me for it so i've moved it to longhand.

My more important point is this: I think this tool i've used might be useful for you in helping you not slip back into your depression and at other points in your life when you're upset.

 albeit I ain't no Medic or Shrink I'd do my best to avoid pills

 (the whole thing seems economically suspect)

sometimes dietary concerns can cause depressed aspects as well

 a lack of exercise or sunlight, etc...

 but I do understand what it is to feel lost in darkness and I much prefer

 the light!!!

 Wine and acohol can lead to symptoms of depression so be careful!

 When anger comes up they say it is an opportunity to rid yourself of its heaviness

 it can have value in retrospect.

I hope your Buddhist Meditation class helps you attune your empowerment over your destiny.

 welcome back!

 thanks for the comments(my internet has been working very slowly when it works at all!!!

 a computer aint much without the internet!!!!) Congrats on the Buddhist meditation...

 I am sure it will bring great benefit to your life.

 YAY!! YOURE BACK!!

[MargaretGLT]

*misses her* :((((

[MargaretGLT]

Hello there. Thank you for passing by and although I should've reply as soon as possible, but I was at work night and day in the LAb. Really been busy all weeks. Just to tell you that I'll be leaving for Rome tomorrow. The next 4 weeks holiday will bring good feelings and new ideas for me. I really need a long holiday. I wish you also a nice weekend and enjoy life!

Ciao ...

I agree with you regarding conversations with peeps from Africa, they have a subtle and poetic way

 of perceiving the nature of things which comforts me often...it is draining when one is in the midst of

 (what seems like) semi-conscious folk...!

 *pauses to dance to Youssou N' Dour's Egypt* which is a wonder and delight!

if you haven't heard this singer and songwiter from Senegal do give him a listen!!!

 he is a Sufi, and the wisdoms to be reaped of Sufism helps everything reason together!!!

 (I'd fancy a hug and kiss from a West African woman I would, I would!!!)

Just to have a peek and see how you are doing. I hope your days are better, warm and merry. I wish all the good things and the sweet blessings. Hoping to see more of you here soon. Have a nice day, dear!

Sherry

Nice to know that you are feeling calmer and better now.
I too love to know people from different countries and cultures mostly because its gives you a different perspective on things. As for people from africa being on a diiferent wavelength, well I guess that has to do with the fact that Africa is still a third world country (or if I were to be politically correct, then its still a developing nation). With such nations the people who are raised in there have to struggle so hard for their basic survival that they either land up becoming very wise too soon or there is a possibility of becoming very shrewd.

Like you I too hate discriminating between people based on religion, I guess if most religions came out of their superiority complex and actually valued humanity more then the world would be a better place to live in. 

Anyways thanks for your comments on my diary and I will indeed ask for a copy of your handwriting one I have completed my course

Luv Always
Ms 1610

I like talking to people from different countries too . I've met people all over the globe via the internet, its always interesting to meet different people I agree

Oh and I am glad you're feeling better.

It does not matter where people comes from and who they really are in cultures, colours or religion - people are beautiful when they also look at other people beautiful. If people sees other folks as ugly, then they are ugly inside their hearts as well. Most important is that that your friends or people are accepting you with a big heart and that it does not matter where you comes from, you are welcome in their lives and so on. I love making friends with different people from many places; it is an interesting to learn different things also from them. You will be more than surprised to learn how much.

Thank you for your kind notes. And I am happy when you do enjoy my journal and I love sharing beauty with others. There are times I too, would share my sadness and tragedy - to show what I have learned in life and what experiences I have to help others as well. And thank you for ever being a friend here as well.

I wish you a lovely, lovely day, my dear.

Sherry

oh and yeah i totally ignored the "if you are a regular reader, dont read this" title. Arent I such a good regular reader? xD

Sowwy.

 Forgive me.

*hug* hope you feel better soon.

but sometimes Love isnt returned. I've had that happen to me before and have had to accept it with a heavy heart and either move on or choose to keep loving them.

i'm happy to hear that youre optimistic

There are times, you can allow yourself to feel those emotions to remind you always about yourself in so many ways. I too, sometimes have those moment of being really angry, sad and feeling low. There are times it was really, really bad that I felt the whole world is putting heavy weight on my shoulders. But, after that phase are over, you will be able to wake again to stand on your two feet. Anyway, you are only human, my dear. I wish you a nice and sweet weekend. I'll see you again soon and I will write again here. This week I have so much work to do and been really busy. Until then, bye ....

Sherry

 I'm not sure about the Avett Brothers (don't know their music)but I know how live music can transport the

spirit to a place much lighter than the usual heavy domains where our hearts are often implanted.

 You were part of making the whole thing happen via the energy you gave...I suppose that

 is some of why the experience is difficult to record or relate...I am happy for you and yes

 I do indeed understand!

Music is an expression of the soul. It is supposed to make us feel emotion. Obviously youre able to connect with that band. Wonderful!

Never heard of them...hm. What type of music do they play? The avett brothers i mean.

Are you a girl or a boy, love? You play, too?

-Jovonnah Bunny Rabbit (Pyromaniac Bunny)

Yeah, there are some crazy peepagez out there. Glad you had fun, love.

-Jovonnah Bunny Rabbit (Pyromaniac Bunny)

you are very welcome!

here's a joke... what did the buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

make me one with everything!

happy belated birthday

and oooo Buddhism sounds interesting

it sounds like you might have depersonalization.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization

and it is always hard to get over someone you love. sooner or later you'll grow sick of waiting and just want the pain of loving her to stop. Then you'll distract yourself with something else (maybe canada)...

*hug* stay strong

that sucks you got stuck with the kittens. i suppose there isnt much you can do though but take care of them.

Good luck!!

[MargaretGLT]

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